Your Bruins are going on a run for Lord Stanley’s Cup and the journey starts tonight in Boston against the undersized Canadiens and their thin-skinned fan base. Can we win it all for the first time in 39 years? You bet! Could we see our team succumb to pressure and repeat last year’s epic failure? Absolutely not! Here now, are four solid, fact-based, non-biased, hard-hitting, never-been-discussed-before-now, things you should know about our first opponent.
4) Everyone Hates the Canadiens. This is fact. People don’t just hate Canadiens here in Boston. People everywhere hate them. In a very scientific survey (I can’t recall the name of it), a highly reputable global research company (their name eludes me at the moment) found that nearly 98 percent of Earthlings have a “less-than-favorable” opinion of Canadiens. I can’t just make this stuff up, people. When asked, “What do you hate most about Canadiens?” one unidentified respondent from the Ivory Coast referred to their cheap tips, bad driving and Celine Dion as major contributing factors toward his/her negative assessment.
3) Canadiens are Fragile. Again, another obvious point but one that cannot go unmentioned. Remember a couple weeks ago when Zdeno Chara drove Max Pacioretty into a stanchion? Then, remember how the fans flooded emergency services with a conservatively estimated 56,000 calls to 911? And how the Montreal Police Department opened a criminal investigation against “Big Z” for his hit that was deemed nothing more than player interference by the NHL? Of course you do! Now just imagine how fun it will be to watch the bigger and stronger Bruins beat a team that picked up six skaters from Disney on Ice in last year’s draft (another fact). Or watching the non-action taken by the french-speaking police when “Z” and the Bruins take the series up to Montreal this Monday for Game 3.
2) The Fans are Disturbed Individuals. This might not be so obvious to casual hockey fans but it gets in-your-face annoying real fast if you ever have to share the confines of a bob house with one of these highfalutin Habs. They regularly boo our National Anthem and turn it up a notch during the playoffs to the point that team management has to publicly address the issue and ask for it to stop. This is just wrong. Our country is awesome. Their country - not so much. It’s cold, it’s boring and it’s cold. None of these three reasons for their misery are our fault. I’d also like to point out that Habs fans aren’t too smart either. You see, they boo our anthem despite having seven American skaters on their roster. Imagine being their captain, Brian Gionta from Boston College or one of their defensemen, Hal Gill from Concord, MA trying to get pumped up and win one for their fans while listening to that crap. I thought Neil Young and the Bare Naked Ladies were tied for Worst Sounding Canadian Performers (excuse the redundancy) but these fans have taken it to an even lower level.
1) That F’n Ole’ Chant. Some things in life annoy me; YouTube clips of kittens doing kitten-like things comes to mind. Terrorism, that’s pretty annoying too with all the threatening and senseless killing. But, nothing makes me want to pack my ears with blood-sucking leeches more than listening to this steaming pile of monkey shit sprinkled with asbestos whenever the Canadiens score. I have it on good authority that Alanis Morissette teamed up with Bryan Adams to write this one. Wouldn’t surprise me, as I’ve eluded a few times, no good music has ever come out of Canada. Anyway, my point is this. There are ways of showing pride and there is a manner of “rubbing it in” and this “song” takes on qualities to support the latter. Furthermore, it sounds like a ripped off chant belonging to the fans of a certain Euro football team - which it is.
There, now you are an informed fan of Boston Bruins playoff hockey. Enjoy the series.
Rick Fink is a remarkable blogger with astounding perspective who might post once a month, twice if he finds the ambition. In 2010, his readership eclipsed the esteemed benchmark of 15 people (non-related). Rick likes to make his own lace doilies in his spare time.
Photo of Tyler Seguin taken by Rick Fink, also an awesome photographer.
Photo of Tyler Seguin taken by Rick Fink, also an awesome photographer.
No good music comes out of Canada? What about "stompin" Tom Connors? Try not to drown in this wave of sarcasm. Great post Rick. Go Bruins!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your feedback, Scott. I'll recognize Tom Connors as an exception to my claim - and I'll even suggest that Bachman Turner Overdrive is fun. But I think we can both agree that Celine Dion belongs in Guantanamo Bay for terrorizing the airwaves.
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